A Handy Alternative Guide to Successfully Handling Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. It’s pretty fucking miserable, isn’t it? Name a worse holiday than Valentine’s Day. Okay, New Years Eve is a close contender. Interestingly, both have been made into films by director/ misery monopoliser Garry Marshall, wittily titled Valentine’s Day (2010) and then, controversially,  New Year’s Eve (2011).*

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My mum doesn’t even make me Valentine’s cards anymore. Not that she was any good at them, they always sort of seemed like a cruel jibe anyway.

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Yeah, it’s still going to be miserable, whatever you do. But here’s some stuff you could do instead if, like me, suicide is becoming more and more of a feasible option.

8 Awesome and Healthy Ways to cope on Valentine’s Day

        1.Fuck a stranger

If you can do this, definitely do it. If I knew how to successfully talk/meet/court/get naked with a someone, I’d do this too. Strangers don’t know you, and are probably just as lonely, like lonely spiders. Just as lonely as you are of them.

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“The aguey tendon, the sin, the sin.
The tinder cries.” -Sylvia Plath, Fever 103, opening a superlike notification on her phone

         2. Fuck a mate

This one’s also pretty self-explanatory really. It’s a nice surprise for them, and, more importantly, a healthy bit of closure for you. We’ve all seen Friends With Benefits, or that slightly shitter one with Natalie Portman.

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       3. Make yourself a mix tape

Who better to make a mix tape for than yourself? You can’t be disappointed with an album chock full of Damien Rice classics. You can even put a few more daring bands in there too, or Skepta.

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        4. Buy a scented candleValentines Pic 1

This one is called Lemon Lavender. Its the New Year’s Eve/Valentine’s Day combination of the candle world. It smells like lovely, pungent bleach. You can light it in the bath and enjoy the flames caressing your nasal passage, and savour the feeling of something entering you.

     5. Buy some nice Hers and His mugs, keep them both

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Score! It’s the morning after you’ve had a peaceful night of starfishing on your now seemingly cavernous double bed. You’re a strong confident woman who needs tea, and what’s better than one mug of tea? Two mugs of tea, that’s bloody what. Drink from both to create a fluid gender fusion. Go you!

       6. Go to the men’s fragrance section and smell their waresValentines pic 3.png

A bit got in my eye.

         7. Stalk an ex’s girlfriend on Instagram  

It’s just nice to see what they’re up to, isn’t it? You’re just checking in. That looks like a nice day out for them.

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         8. …Whilst wearing all his clothes.

In fact, just wear all his clothes all the time, at every social event where he might be there. Don’t take them off. It’s a strong message.  Wear them until the seams blend into your skin. Life’s a catwalk, and everything looks better on you anyway. Combine with option 6 and 3 for a multi-sensory romance casserole.

What a great holiday we’ve got coming up. I hope you’re as wet in anticipation as I am.


*I cant quite put into words how irritating it is that Marshall would make a sequel that, logistically, on a linear chronology of time, I would probably place the other way around. If you’re going to start a film series based on a calendar, does it not make sense to start with New Years Eve, notoriously the day that signifies the beginning of the year? The mind boggles.